From Afar
by Mrs. Bonner
Summary: After Morgana siezed the throne, Lancelot came swiftly to Arthur's aid. Merlin had tried to send him word, but Lancelot revealed that it was someone else's letter that summoned him. Read that letter here.   No slash.


Sweet Gwen,

I write this letter from the Inn at South Bend. I see from my window a blacksmith shop, and it reminds me of carefree days long ago spent with you.

I left you that night in the forest without saying goodbye, and the thought that my actions might have injured you has haunted me. I do not deserve your forgiveness, yet I feel compelled to ask for it. I do not doubt your gentle heart will readily grant absolution. While it is unlikely that I will have the honor of seeing you again, will you please grant me pardon for my grave discourtesy?

I asked Merlin to give you a message. I have no doubt that he delivered it, but I will try, at least, to make some small restitution by explaining more fully what was meant.

Some things cannot be. In one night both of our lives were bought for us by a better man than me. I cannot hope to match him in honor, nor can I begin to provide for you all that you deserve, and I know he can. I want that for you, and I believe I saw in his eyes the one thing I wish for you above all.

You have changed me forever. Please know this, for now it means everything. I cringe to know the waste you saw me making of my life. Your eyes peered up at me from a dungeon cell, yet I saw reflected in them the prison I had made for myself. My poor attempt to aid you was nothing to the rescue you provided me with your words and your gentle touch. Sweet lady, how can I thank you?

I asked you once to live for me, but now I charge myself to live only for you. Our lives will be spent apart. You will not know my deeds, but I solemnly swear that all of them will honor you. My strength will be dedicated to helping the weak. My memory of you will bring hope to those who would otherwise despair. Wherever I can sow seeds of justice or mercy or love, I will do so in your sweet name.

Dearest lady, adieu.

Lancelot

* * *

><p>Dear Lancelot,<p>

I received your letter a few weeks ago, and I want to thank you for it. It made me smile. I was surprised to hear you had gone to South Bend. My brother, Elyan, is often in that town. Have you chanced to meet him?

It is evening, and it is growing late. I had been expecting a visit from a friend, but alas, my friend did not appear, and I am left feeling quite lonely. I hope you will forgive me for consoling myself by writing to you.

Thank you for explaining why you left. I was sad, but I understand why you felt it had to be. I only wish things could have been different.

I am finding that, as you said, some things cannot be. Perhaps _many _things cannot be. Why must people so often let each other down and break each other's hearts? People for whom we care forget us or leave us or die or are killed or make dreadful choices. Sometimes, and perhaps especially tonight, I wonder how we are to bear it.

I felt glad when I got your letter, and I felt glad tonight as I read it again. I am thankful to know that you are somewhere in this world, and that you are filled with good intentions. I am glad to think that there are people who will know you, even if I can't be one of them. I like to imagine you drying old women's tears and making children laugh. Is that a bit ridiculous? When I face injustice and faithlessness, I find that thoughts of you bolster my hope.

Please forgive me for being so melancholy. I'm sure ere long it will pass. Thank you again for your dear letter. I am honored by your words, and am grateful for the short time we have shared.

I will not forget you.

Gwen

* * *

><p>Dearest Gwen,<p>

I received your letter just before I departed South Bend for Estlyn. I have accepted work there, helping the mayor of the town provide better defense for his people. The pay isn't much, but it is a chance to do some good - something that will matter. I hope this news will please you.

My angel, it breaks my heart to think you have been sad. You asked me why people bring such hurt to each other. I wish I had an answer that would comfort you. I think sometimes it cannot be helped. We blunder through our days with good intentions, but we are capable of great folly. Humility and selflessness seem our only salvation, but I see that my own tendency is to forsake them both. Why is it that as soon as we recognize the first trace of our own humility, it is already lost?

My heart is still yours, although I assure you my devotion is without expectation. You are the North Star, and I thank heaven for you.

Please Gwen, tell me honestly, does it trouble you when I confess that all my days I will love you from afar? Perhaps I should not speak of these things. You can silence me with a word. It is your wisdom and strength that must guide us.

I am your devoted servant.

Lancelot

* * *

><p>Dear Lancelot,<p>

I received your letter some time ago, but I have only just found opportunity to respond properly. I'm sure you have heard something of the enchantment which took Lady Morgana from us, as well as the dragon which besieged Camelot. Please be assured that I am well enough after all of it, and better off than many. Everyone here has borne such heartache lately, it is difficult to describe.

I want to thank you for the words you wrote. I am honored by your devotion, although I do not feel I am worthy of it.

You asked if I am troubled by your love. My answer is no – how can I be troubled? The words you wrote made me feel wonderful. Thank you.

My concern, though, is for you. You placed me in Arthur's hands, and I do care for him. We have no understanding – how could we? But as you love me unselfishly, I try to be unselfish toward him. I know I can at least be a help to him. I know well that love from afar can lift the heart. This I learned from you.

I ask myself, what harm there can be in your love? I can think of none, except that I do not want you to carry a burden, or to be always alone. I hope that when love finds you, you will open your heart to it.

And now, dearest friend, I hope that my words have not troubled you.

Gwen

* * *

><p>Dearest Gwen,<p>

Thank you for your letter.

The news from Camelot has disturbed me to my soul. King Uther condemned but then later pardoned you? I have been told that you are well now, and I trust it is so. Still, the king is a dangerous man. If you feel unsafe now or at any time in the future, send me word and I will come for you instantly.

I am well, and am moving on to North Glen by next week. The fortification work we started in Estlyn has been taken up by other local leaders. Families in these towns are safer than ever before. I know you will be pleased when I tell you honestly that I have wiped away a number of tears and have even made a child or two laugh.

I am honored to be called your friend.

Lancelot

* * *

><p>Dear Lancelot,<p>

I hope this letter finds you swiftly. We desperately need your help. Morgause and Morgana have seized power and Arthur has had to flee for his life. I appeal to you to come with all haste to his aid. Have care, for Morgause' army is enchanted and none can be slain. Please let no harm come to you, my faithful friend.

I know you will do all you can.

Gwen

* * *

><p>My Sweet, Beautiful Gwen,<p>

All is well. Your smile has returned, and I see it almost every day, like the sun, as I pass by you.

I have almost all I ever wished: knighthood, and an end to my banishment from Camelot. And from you. I have all that I ever dreamed – almost.

I have never known such torment. If only I were stronger. If my love were more pure. If.

He is the best man I know. He is all I could wish for you.

I have loved you so long from afar. It has become effortless, like breathing. I do not know how to stop. I do not want to stop loving you. I want this one love to be forever, so that in my life there can exist an eternal love.

Surely, I will burn this letter, as I did the last, and the one before. These are words that must not be said. But I burn them.

Surely, it will all get better in time.

Lancelot


End file.
